One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs Humping."

A man walking down an unused road stumbles across an old lamp.
He's in a bad mood and kicks the lamp and out pops a genie
GENIE: (standard wish stuff)
Man: My wife and I want to go on holiday, but she gets air/sea sick... is it possible for you to construct a giant highway for us to drive to exotic locations?
GENIE: A highway? Do you have any idea how long that would take?! Try again
Man:... my current wife is my third... I don't want to lose her like I did the others, I want to know what to do, I want to understand women
GENIE:......... Three lanes ok?

(If Goku_B can dust off an old joke so can I ^-^)

A boy asked his mum "mum, what is God?"

mum replies "well, its hard to explain, God is everything and is also universal, God is neither man nor woman nor black nor white"

The boy then says "hmmm... so is God Michael Jackson then?"

*snickers* Good one, Keiichi-san.

Good one K1 but sorry neo I don't get it.

it's hard to shorten without losing context.... basically, the dude wishes for a transcontinental highway (think time/effort/construction problems such a task would have to over come), a wish the Genie doesn't feel able to grant. The man then wishes (due to his failures in this area), to be able to understand what women want. The Genie now leaps to the original task with the phrase, 'will three lanes on the highway be enough?'

Hmmmm I think I get it...but it's still kind of blurry... ^_^

Nice jokes everyone....

Someone asks this girl..."So which is farther? California or the Moon?" then she says, "The Moon of course" then that someone said, "Can you see California?" ^_^

It's suppose to be a Blonde joke but I didnt want to use it in the joke because...I dont want to target anyone....

That's how some jokes are Kei^^.But I heard of that one before & it's pretty good kei.Oh now I get it neo lol.

thanks Goku_B. Ok I'll give it another go...
Man walks into a butcher shop and asks for a pound of bacon.
The butcher says "Lean back?"
The man bends backward, "A pound of bacon please"

(Ok, that sucked, I apologise but I'm better with running jokes)

No that was pretty dang good neo lololol.
-CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.” lololol
-AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”
-JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”
-A skeleton walks into a bar, and says, "Give me shot, and a mop
- 5 Counterproductive Pick-Up Lines
1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?
3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.
4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays?
5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
-A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.

"No," the man replied.

"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.

"But I did slow down!" the guy argued.
The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."
The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?"
The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."(i love this one^^)

A guy asks his friend on advice to fix his marital problems with his wife.

Guy: "what am i suppose to do?"

Friend: "well, for one thing try using lots of sweet-talk"
"for example, at breakfast i always say to my wife:
"Please pass me the sugar my sugar"
"Please pass me the honey my honeybun" you know stuff like that"

Guy: "oh i get cha! "i can say to my wife
"Please pass the sausage and bacon you FAT PIG!"

WOAH!!!! O.O

-Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
-Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.
------answering machine jokes-------
-Hi. Now you say something.
-(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?
---idiot jokes-----
-See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is moron cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

what is a drug addicts favourite movie?

Harry Pothead and the Philosopher's Stoned

-----Things Not To Say During Childbirth-----
-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.
-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.
-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.
-------Drive Through ATM Procedures------
Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
MALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
* 6 Put window up.
* 7 Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to cash machine.
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down.
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
* 9 Insert card.
* 10 Re-insert card the right side up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required.
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.
* 19 Re-check make-up again.
* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.
* 22 Retrieve card.
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.
* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.
* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
* 27 Release Parking Brake.
----Top Ten Things That Men Understand About Women-----
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.